Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
That would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand..
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be
a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!'
A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Love it Cliver.Any bad news about the turkey in the top job has gotta make you laugh.I,ve got one for you.
Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Julia.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say? 'asks Julia.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
tis indeed a time of the year to lighten up a little,cliver,after?a torrid xmas and new year explosion...for hubbys and wives,er,beware of the wife approaching you holding a frying pan!hubby is kicking back on the recliner,when the wife whacks him over the head with a frying pan!wtf!exclaims hubby,thats for the note i found in your pocket with jennys name on it!said the wife,but?thats the name of the horse i bet on at the races last week!explains hubby...wife apologizes profoundly.but a day later?whack across the forehead!again from the wife with the frying pan..when hubby comes to,he asks wha for? the wife said?your horse was on the telephone...
rob,um,for the benefit of our inocent and naive veiwers,can you explain the terminology?of that long word there?im a little lost here without my reading glasses,ahhhhh!here we go,mmmm,it seems you are too..actually?lol...
Walking through the mall, two nuns were passing Liquorland. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on this hot summer afternoon?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer lest some of our parishioners see us at the check-out."
"I can handle that without a problem," the first replied as she went to the fridge and grabbed a six-pack.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived carrying beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, loudly enough for all to hear. "...a shampoo of sorts."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzels and placed them in the bag with the beer. He looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said,
"The curlers are on the house."
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....it's about learning to dance in the rain.
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch'
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say, ' Esther, I ' d like to ride in that helicopter.. '
Esther always replied, ' I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars '
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I ' m 85 years old. If I don ' t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance. '
To this, Esther replied, ' Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars. '
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I ' ll make you a deal. I ' ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don ' t say a word I won ' t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it ' s fifty dollars. '
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ' By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn ' t.. I ' m impressed! '
Morris replied, ' Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars! '
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to
Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be
rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they
stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
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