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Results 121 to 136 of 136

Thread: just for a lol

  1. #121
    Allen Guest

    Re:just for a lol

    THE HALF WIT........



    There was a struggling farmer who owned a property on the drought ravaged western Darling Downs.



    The Qld. Dept of Labour claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent a Public Servant out to interview him.



    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay

    them," demanded the P S.



    "Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's

    been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free

    room and board.



    The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500

    per week plus free room and board.



    Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every

    day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He

    makes about $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of Bundy

    every Saturday night."



    "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the P S.



    "That would be me," replied the farmer.









    :laugh:

  2. #122
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Ferntree Gully
    Posts
    1,135

    Re:just for a lol

    Gardening Ned Kelly Style

    The young Ned Kelly is dragged off to jail for the first time. It is with great concern that he reads these sentences in a letter from his mum.

    “ … and another problem will be getting the backyard dug over so I can plant my potatoes”, she complains.

    “Me back is playing up and I do not have my big strong Neddy to wield the shovel for me.”

    Ned thinks about this and includes a response in his next letter to his mum.

    Months later and the Parish Priest is enjoying a hearty stew at the Kelly homestead.

    He remarks to Ma Kelly, “It must be a struggle at your age with all the extra labour you have to do with Ned still inside.” “This is a fine stew by the way; lovely potatoes.” “It must have been hard work digging up the backyard to get them planted”.

    “Ah no”, says Ma Kelly, “I did not have to dig at all.”

    “But”, the Priest asked, “How can you grow potatoes if the ground is not well turned over before planting?”

    “I did not have to dig”, she explained. “My Ned organised for the Police to come around and do it.”

    “That is hard to believe”, the Priest exclaimed, “There has always been bad blood between the Kellys and the Police.” “Why would they do you and Ned such a good turn?”

    “Well”, she explained, “Ned knows they always read his letters from jail so he wrote to me saying – Mum, I cannot say anything about any hidden loot but what ever you do, do not dig in the backyard.”

    :lol:
    Rob Ewart
    Victorian Rock'n'Roll Dance Assoc

    www.VRRDA.org.au

    It's your Association, get involved. Good ideas are always welcome.
    Make sure your R'n'R club or dance school is getting best value.

    .

  3. #123
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    Re:just for a lol

    ANNUAL PHYSICAL

    70-year old Bruce went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
    with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "Bruce, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

    Bruce replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the! light goes off."

    "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

    A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Bruce's wife.

    "Mary," he said, "Bruce is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"




    Mary exclaimed, "Oh, my God!

    He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  4. #124
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    ooops

    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  5. #125
    Allen Guest

    Re:ooops

    111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.

    good one this................

  6. #126
    Allen Guest

    Re:ooops

    CAR TROUBLE

    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
    After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, 'What's the story?'
    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

  7. #127
    Allen Guest

    Re:ooops

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
    her body hurt wherever she touched it.
    'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
    then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
    likewise she pushed her neck and ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
    her scream.
    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
    I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

  8. #128
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Ferntree Gully
    Posts
    1,135

    Re:just for a lol

    This is true. It happened yesterday.

    I rang a legal firm in Dandenong. The receptionist put me on hold while I waited for their family law, divorce, division of property, etc specialist to finish another phone call.

    Being a fancy company they had music to listen to while I wasted time on-hold.

    The music on-hold was not "Little Latin Loppy Loo".

    Guess which other Righteous Brothers song it was?


    Rob Ewart
    Victorian Rock'n'Roll Dance Assoc

    www.VRRDA.org.au

    It's your Association, get involved. Good ideas are always welcome.
    Make sure your R'n'R club or dance school is getting best value.

    .

  9. #129
    Allen Guest

    Re:just for a lol

    Frankston Hurricane Appeal

    A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring
    5.8 on
    the Richter scale hit Frankston in the early hours of Friday
    with its
    epicentre in Well Street, Frankston.
    Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
    "Faaackinell".
    The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately $30.00
    worth
    of
    damage.
    Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
    Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques
    arrived.
    The Frankston Mayor reported that hundreds of residents were
    confused
    and
    bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact
    that
    something interesting had happened in Franga.
    One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said
    "It
    was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into
    my room crying. My youngest two, Kevin and Jason slept through it
    all."
    Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
    carried
    on as normal.
    The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
    Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue
    workers
    are still searching through the rubble and have found large
    quantities
    of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, also
    Jewellery

    and
    Bone China from Big W.
    HOW CAN YOU HELP?

    This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
    those
    unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is
    most
    sought after - items most needed include:
    baseball caps,
    tracksuits,
    singlets (blue and white),
    white sports socks,
    reebok boots,
    any other items usually sold in Go Lo or The Reject Shop.

    Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the
    same.
    Required foodstuffs urgently needed include:
    Microwave meals,
    Baked beans,
    Ice cream,
    Chips,
    Fizzy drinks.

    Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny Blue
    25's and
    a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


    **Breaking News**

    Frankston Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity
    Display"
    due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

    Please don't forward this to anyone in Frankston - oh, f*#$ it,
    they
    won't be able to read it anyway!

  10. #130
    Allen Guest

    Re:just for a lol

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
    shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
    and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before
    she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
    thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front
    of Bob.

    After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

    :laugh:

  11. #131
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    Re:just for a lol

    A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

    "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

    "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

    "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

    "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

    "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

    The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    "My Mom w on't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

    "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

    The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

    "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

    The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
    "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

    "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

    "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"





    "Because you got an F in sex."
    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  12. #132
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    837

    Re:just for a lol

    A duck walks over to a pub from a construction site at lunch time, walks in sits at the bar and says to the barman gimmi a pot thanks mate, barman looks at the duck and says, err your a duck !!
    The duck looks at him and says, very observant professor, now gimmi a beer..
    The duck drinks his beer and heads off back to the construction site, the next day at 12 noon the duck returns, sits at the bar and asks the barman for a beer, the barman says, now look I don't mean to be rude but it's not often a duck walks in to my pub and asks for a beer let alone talk, the barman asks the duck where he came from, the duck said I come from the construction site from across the road, the barman says hey while your here, I met some guys from the Circus that's in town this week, and they would love to have an act like you!!.
    The duck replies, what would they want with a Tiler???

  13. #133
    Allen Guest

    Men strike back

    Men strike back!
    How many men does it take to open a beer?

    None. It should be opened when she brings it.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?

    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

    Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    How do you fix a woman's watch?

    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do men pass gas more than women?

    Because women can't shut up long enough to

    Build up the required pressure.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

    A woman who won't do what she's told

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    I married a Miss Right.

    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why do men die before their wives?

    They want to.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

    Then God created Man and rested.

    Then God created Woman.

    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

  14. #134
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    837

    Re:Men strike back

    Umm Allen good Luck with your projects old fella, I'm no woman but err, you'd better Duck pal.... :unsure:

  15. #135
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    Re:Men strike back

    Are they blu-ing again!!!
    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  16. #136
    Allen Guest

    Re:just for a lol

    If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!

    Happy The Used Car Dealer

    It was a small town and the patrolman was
    making his evening rounds.
    As he was checking a used car lot, he came
    upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
    He stopped and asked them why they were
    sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
    "Heavens no, we bought it."
    "Then why don't you drive it away."
    "We can't drive."
    "Then why did you buy it?"
    "We were told that if we bought a used car
    here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."

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