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Thread: just for a lol

  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    Re:just for a lol

    The NEW Abbott & Costello


    Who's On First Â…Â…Â…


    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
    George: Great. Lay it on me.
    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
    George: That's what I want to know.
    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: I mean the fellow's name.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The guy in China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The new leader of China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The main man in China!
    Condi: Hu is leading China.
    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
    Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
    Condi: That's the man's name.
    George: That's who's name?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
    Condi: That's correct.
    George: Then who is in China?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir is in China?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Then who is?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: No, thanks.
    Condi: You want Kofi?
    George: No.
    Condi: You don't want Kofi.
    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
    Condi: And call who?
    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
    Condi: Hu is the guy in China
    George: Will you stay out of China?!
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi.
    George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    261

    Re:just for a lol

    A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in
    the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year. You could learn a lot

    from him."

    They walked further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."


    They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. you could REALLY learn something from this one."


    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time."


    (The husband's condition has been downgraded from critical to stable. He should be able to eat soft foods in a week, and is expected to make a full

    recovery.)

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    The Basin
    Posts
    953

    Re:just for a lol

    Boomboom i cracked up .I rate this the best joke.
    Flash B)

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    1,074

    Re:just for a lol

    Cliver and Frank .......IT'S A DRAW!!!!!!!!

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    Re:just for a lol

    A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

    "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

    If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    With that, His wife got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his beer.
    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  6. #46

    Re:just for a lol

    The PasswordÂ…
    A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on with.
    The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the "shock effect" to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p.,e.,n.,i.,s."

    His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: "PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH"

    [quote]You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart

  7. #47

    Re:just for a lol

    My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.







    [quote]You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart

  8. #48

    Re:just for a lol

    Have you heard about the new disease you can catch from birds?

    It's not bird flu, it's called "CHIRPIES"

    It's a canaerial disease and its UNTWEETABLE!

    hmy:

    Tweet Tweet Tweet

    :lol:

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Merimbula NSW
    Posts
    466

    Re:just for a lol

    A lady goes to the fridge and upon opening the door finds a little rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
    "What are you doing in there"? she asks in amazement.
    "This is a Westinghouse isn't it"? the rabbit replies.
    "Yes"
    "Well I am just westing. :laugh:

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    Re:just for a lol

    Did you hear about the 2 baked beans.....they were headed for Darwin...but ended up in Cairns!!!!
    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Endeavour Hills, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    1,324

    Re:just for a lol

    Cowboy dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:
    40-ish ........................ 49.
    Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
    Athletic ...................... No breasts
    Average looking .......... Moooo.
    Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
    Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
    Feminist .................... Fat
    Free spirit .................. Junkie
    Friendship first .......... Former slut.
    New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
    Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
    Open-minded ............. Desperate
    Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
    Professional .............. Bitch
    Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
    Large frame ............... Hugely Fat
    Wants soul mate ....... Stalker
    WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
    1. Yes = No
    2. No = Yes
    3. Maybe = No
    4. We need = I want
    5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
    6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
    7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
    8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
    9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
    10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
    MEN'S ENGLISH:
    1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    3. I am tired = I am tired
    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
    5. I love you = Let's have sex now
    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
    7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
    8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
    9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
    10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
    Live & let Live, Love & let Love, Rock & let Roll, plus related clichés.

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Endeavour Hills, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    1,324

    Re:just for a lol

    OOOPS! For those who thought my joke a tad sexist, I do apologise. Perhaps I should have posted a more racial / religious one instead Â…Â….less trouble. IÂ’ll overlook the (pineapple head) comment Icon and thanks but no thanks for your kind dance offer and I wouldnÂ’t ask you for a dance either Sue (and itÂ’s got nothing to do with that line in my joke). ItÂ’s just a bitchy thing between us darl. I wouldnÂ’t dance with you even if you DID turn femaleÂ…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…IÂ’m over it.
    Live & let Live, Love & let Love, Rock & let Roll, plus related clichés.

  13. #53
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    410

    Re:just for a lol

    A guys out racing about in his new hot rod , he opens her right up and really gives it a blast.
    Soon enough there is a cop chasing him and he thinks , what the hell i can out run this guy, anyway the speed gets up to 200 kmh and the guy thinks, what the hell am i doing, im 40 years old and cant be acting all stupid so he pulls over and waits for the cop to catch up..

    The copper strolls up to the car, and says to the guy . mate its friday the 13th, my shift ends in 5 minutes and if you can tell me an excuse ive never heard before i'll let you go.

    The guy says to the cop, last week my wife ran away with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back !!
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The cop just walked away

  14. #54
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    261

    Re:just for a lol

    Apart from all the bitching that goes on I'd say this ....
    A bloke walks in to a pub,
    This bloke,
    2Aussie blokes.
    But soon as someone says the word WOMAN the whole world caves in, now im not getting in to a political stouch here even tho i burnt my bra ages ago but before one can laugh at anything one must learn to laugh at one self,and i know cos I'm the biggest idiot i know :laugh: :lol:

  15. #55

    Re:just for a lol

    While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.

    A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

    The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . ."

    "OK, alright" the guy responds.

    "Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from Victoria to Tasmania."

    This pi$$es the genie off.

    He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

    "Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

    "Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

    The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "




    Erm...btw I'm female...bahahahaha


    [quote]You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart

  16. #56

    Re:just for a lol

    haha shaunphantom... :lol:

  17. #57

    Re:just for a lol

    oh hahaha bahahahahah LOL haaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    oh hahaha I crack myself up....




    [quote]You can dance anywhere, even if only in your heart

  18. #58
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    261

    Re:just for a lol

    BRISBANE BOUND

    Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
    charter a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition in
    Brisbane.

    The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team
    rode on the top level.

    The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,
    when one of them realized they hadnt heard anything from the blondes
    upstairs.

    One of the brunettes decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
    reached the top deck, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
    straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with
    white knuckles.

    The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a
    great time downstairs!"

    One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispers -

    "Yeah, but you've got a driver"

  19. #59
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    261

    Re:just for a lol

    blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons
    or prior experience.

    She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into
    motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
    to slip from the saddle.

    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
    grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
    down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant
    of its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the
    horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled
    in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves
    as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
    unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the K-Mart greeter, sees
    her and unplugs the horse.

  20. #60
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Greenvale, Vic
    Posts
    927

    Re:just for a lol

    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
    particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man
    asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
    food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
    instead of food?" the man asked.

    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
    homeless man.

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
    Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
    A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
    "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

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