The young Ned Kelly is dragged off to jail for the first time. It is with great concern that he reads these sentences in a letter from his mum.
“ … and another problem will be getting the backyard dug over so I can plant my potatoes”, she complains.
“Me back is playing up and I do not have my big strong Neddy to wield the shovel for me.”
Ned thinks about this and includes a response in his next letter to his mum.
Months later and the Parish Priest is enjoying a hearty stew at the Kelly homestead.
He remarks to Ma Kelly, “It must be a struggle at your age with all the extra labour you have to do with Ned still inside.” “This is a fine stew by the way; lovely potatoes.” “It must have been hard work digging up the backyard to get them planted”.
“Ah no”, says Ma Kelly, “I did not have to dig at all.”
“But”, the Priest asked, “How can you grow potatoes if the ground is not well turned over before planting?”
“I did not have to dig”, she explained. “My Ned organised for the Police to come around and do it.”
“That is hard to believe”, the Priest exclaimed, “There has always been bad blood between the Kellys and the Police.” “Why would they do you and Ned such a good turn?”
“Well”, she explained, “Ned knows they always read his letters from jail so he wrote to me saying – Mum, I cannot say anything about any hidden loot but what ever you do, do not dig in the backyard.”
70-year old Bruce went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "Bruce, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
Bruce replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the! light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Bruce's wife.
"Mary," he said, "Bruce is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Mary exclaimed, "Oh, my God!
He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her neck and ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
I rang a legal firm in Dandenong. The receptionist put me on hold while I waited for their family law, divorce, division of property, etc specialist to finish another phone call.
Being a fancy company they had music to listen to while I wasted time on-hold.
The music on-hold was not "Little Latin Loppy Loo".
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring
5.8 on
the Richter scale hit Frankston in the early hours of Friday
with its
epicentre in Well Street, Frankston.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
"Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately $30.00
worth
of
damage.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques
arrived.
The Frankston Mayor reported that hundreds of residents were
confused
and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact
that
something interesting had happened in Franga.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said
"It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into
my room crying. My youngest two, Kevin and Jason slept through it
all."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
carried
on as normal.
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue
workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities
of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, also
Jewellery
and
Bone China from Big W.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is
most
sought after - items most needed include:
baseball caps,
tracksuits,
singlets (blue and white),
white sports socks,
reebok boots,
any other items usually sold in Go Lo or The Reject Shop.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the
same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include:
Microwave meals,
Baked beans,
Ice cream,
Chips,
Fizzy drinks.
Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny Blue
25's and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking News**
Frankston Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity
Display"
due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.
Please don't forward this to anyone in Frankston - oh, f*#$ it,
they
won't be able to read it anyway!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before
she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front
of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom w on't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A duck walks over to a pub from a construction site at lunch time, walks in sits at the bar and says to the barman gimmi a pot thanks mate, barman looks at the duck and says, err your a duck !!
The duck looks at him and says, very observant professor, now gimmi a beer..
The duck drinks his beer and heads off back to the construction site, the next day at 12 noon the duck returns, sits at the bar and asks the barman for a beer, the barman says, now look I don't mean to be rude but it's not often a duck walks in to my pub and asks for a beer let alone talk, the barman asks the duck where he came from, the duck said I come from the construction site from across the road, the barman says hey while your here, I met some guys from the Circus that's in town this week, and they would love to have an act like you!!.
The duck replies, what would they want with a Tiler???
A Good Dance is worth the time it takes to get there.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!
Happy The Used Car Dealer
It was a small town and the patrolman was
making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came
upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were
sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car
here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."
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