Seems like there's an Idiots Guide for everything right? Now you're lucky enough to have gotten your hands on the new Idiots Guide to Rockabilly!
Part I:Getting Started
That's right future hep cats and cool kittens, now all your rockabilly references can be right there at your fingertips! No more searching desperately through various hotrod magazines! No more marathon viewings of Elvis movies, and Horton Heat videos! No more calling up your friends in the middle of the night to find out what's cool and what isn't! Now you can consult the Idiot's Guide for the latest up to the minute advice on transforming your dull boring life into a new exciting rockabilly lifestyle!
First of all in your quest to become rockabilly you should remember to never EVER refer to rockabilly as rockabilly. This is lame and people will see you for the poser scenster you are. (Kind of like those Gothic kids calling themselves Goth or the Punk Rock kids saying they're punk, get it? Abbreviating your sub-culture is cool!) REAL rockabilly people refer to rockabilly as "rab", "billy", or "the scene". For example, one might say, "Jeez, the scene in Oregon is effin dead!" Or, "I just effing love rab music!" (Important note: liberal use of profanity is always rockabilly).
Practice daily to rid yourself of the habit of saying rockabilly as soon as possible. While you're practicing this you might also work a few other rockabilly words into your vocabulary. Try throwing out a "hep!" or "rockin!" in the place of "cool" and "I jive" instead of "I agree." Refer to women as "kittens", " broads", "skirts", "dames", "doll" or even the cooler "dollface". (Warning, do not use this on your mother, she is not rockabilly and she wont understand how effing hep you are becoming).
Now that you're throwing around your new slang, it's on to your NEW LOOK
Are you talking like a real greaser yet? Hep! Now lets get you some help for that sorry appearance of yours...
Guys: This will be easy. First, grow out your hair and get some sideburns. Sideburns are crucial! We CANNOT emphasize this enough. Everything else can be put aside but you will NOT be rockabilly without those sideburns buddy.
Now, once your hair is to an acceptable rockabilly length, (you'll know because your mother will be pestering you to cut it), you need to apply grease. AGAIN, this is crucial to your new rockabilly lifestyle. Without it, you may just be mistaken for some hippie kid, and that would be devastating to your new persona. Any kind of grease will do, motor oil, whatever. As long as it stains your pillowcases and leaves marks on your mom's couch you've probably got the right idea. Comb up and over, and viola! You're almost completely rockabilly now! Congratulations!
But we still have to dress you. Standard greaser uniform is a T-shirt, (black with some logo of a custom shop in So Cal you've never been to), Converse, (call them your chucks), and jeans. PLEASE do not forget to cuff your jeans! This is a rookie mistake. The bigger the cuff on your jeans the more rockabilly you are, so go hog wild with those suckers! Once you've mastered this basic uniform you may mix it up a little with some Dickies or add a car club jacket.
What's that? You don't own a hep car? No problem, I'll let you in on a little known secret: You don't have to own a car to be in a car club or wear a car club jacket! REALLY! Its a seldom discussed fact that really only maybe 10% of car club members own cars. Don't worry, NO ONE will ask you about your car cause they don't have one either! Make up a name and have it embroidered on your Dickies jacket down at the mall. Get creative! Your club name could even be something really silly, like The Flying Coffins! Or any other name that sounds more like a carnie ride than a car club.
Other accessories which will add to your new RAB look:
-A long wallet chain
-A whole effin' bunch of tattoos; preferably old sailor flash, pin-up girls, and hotrods. (No cash for new sleeves? You can make do with a Bic pen, a needle and a friend with patience and a strong stomach).
-A car. (This will be addressed further in future chapters)
-Beer. (Also to be discussed in future chapters)
-And a switchblade. (Don't worry nervous nellie, you'll never use it)
Ok ladies, you'll need a little help here to catch up to your greaser counterpart over there with his hep wallet chain and switchblade. We assume you've been practicing your new exciting rockabilly slang too, so lets fix you up with a new Bettie makeover!
First of all: leopard print is your new best friend, embrace it. If you don't like leopard print then the exciting rockabilly lifestyle may not be for you. You'll want several leopard prints dresses, purse, belts, gloves, shoes, dog leashes, etc. If they make it in leopard print then you need to go buy it. NOW.
Second: Hair. Dye it black and whack yourself up some little bangs. It doesn't matter if you're so damn pale that black hair will make you look like you've just risen from the grave, it's mandatory. Later when you get the hang of rockabilly you may try another color, but for beginners, go with black. (Note: rockabilly girls may only sport three shades of hair color: black, red, or blond. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DEVIATE FROM THESE COLORS). Curls, liberal use of hairspray, and you're good to go!
Now, dressing yourself. For everyday you'll need jeans, (consult previous chapter for cuff rule), any ridiculously small top that spills your boobs out over it, and a bandanna to wear in your unnaturally black hair. For evening: Get yourself a few saucy vintage dresses on Ebay. (The more cleavage showing the better). Now, it's true all vintage dresses are size 4s and you're a 10. No worries doll, just get yourself a girdle to cinch yourself in. Get a friend to help you! (Refer back to patient friend with strong stomach in previous chapter). Depending on how long you can hold your breath, this will work, and if you play your cards right sweetheart you might catch the attention of one of those cute greaser boys! He might even have a car! Play hard to get and you might even get three dates in before he gets that dress off you and finds out you're not a size 4!
Complete your outfit with high heels which will give you blisters within 5 minutes of having them on your feet and you're off! Have fun and happy hunting girls!
Are you starting to feel rockabilly yet? Hep! Now that you've got your hair all dyed and greased and your jeans cuffed to regulation length you're ready to move onto the real meat of the rockabilly lifestyle. To truly fit in with your newly adopted culture there are two things you'll need some basic knowledge of:
1. Music and
2. Cars. (If you're a Bettie you can relax on number 2, especially if you're good lookin'. Important note: The better you look spread out on a car the less you actually have to know about them).
Music: Ok, now we know you like Tiger Army, and well, ok, that's a good start. But you need to be able to speak knowledgably about more rockabilly music. Throw around some big names, like Carl Perkins, Charlie Feathers, or Wanda Jackson. But remember, if you're going to do that you need to know a few of their songs. If this is too hard, then just make a couple of bands up! There are a million obscure rockabilly bands from back then and no one knows ALL of them, (except Mark Lee Allen. Stay away from that guy if you're gonna talk about music because he'll see right through you). So you could say, for example, "I love those Sugar Beet Shakers!" Or, "Yeah, my favorite effin' song is Hillbilly Gully-Wully by Skipper Kipman and the Muddy Cake Bakers!" (Don't forget to use your profanities). Other than that just smile and nod your head in appreciation when people play rockabilly music around you. Also, Do NOT attempt to dance. Dancing is only for more advanced rockabillies.
Cars: Yes! This is what you've been waiting for! (Now remember, this is only a beginners book, so you may want to consult my follow up book, THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO HOTRODS.) First off, '57 Chevys are not cool. I know, know, this is not what you've learned from watching Grease over and over, but its true. Trust me. You want a Buick or a Lincoln, ok? Everyone likes Cadillacs. Your best bet, go buy a car already fixed up. This may be too pricey for you however, (especially after the guy who's selling you the car takes one look at your improperly cuffed jeans and lack of sailor tattoos, and jacks the price up on ya).
We know you can't build a car, (THIS IS AGAIN ONLY FOR MORE ADVANCED ROCKABILLIES). So practice sucking up to some guy with a car! You can hang out around it and make people think its yours when he goes to take a leak or when he's busy fighting off all the hot girls he's attracted cause he has a car, (and you don't).
This sucking up is actually pretty easy to do. If you're a chick, just bend over to point out some doohickey or another on the guy's car, "OOOoooo, I just luuuuuvvvvvv your air filter!" When you're cleavage comes popping out of your tiny size 4 dress he'll be hooked, and you'll have a car to hang out on! (Make sure the guy doesn't already have a girl though; those rockabilly girls can be mean with their spike heels!)
Guys, you can make friends with a guy with a car pretty easily too! One word: Beer. Bring beer and everyone will love you. It doesn't matter what kind, or even if its warm. (You can steal this from mom's fridge if need be, this is important stuff!) After you give the guy your mom's beer make SURE you say something about his car, "Nice effin air filter man". Don't forget to swear. Wear your made-up car club jacket and you're on your way.
Now I know why I wasn't getting a second look from the Rabs & Billies when I was at the Rockabilly HQ (Damn! F ....!! used that word again!!) at Wintersun .......LOL
I have to thank Josef and Celia on Perth Rocks http://members.optusnet.com.au/~perthrocks/ for their efforts in bringing this to our attention, we'll be better RABs for it.
Re: Guide to Rockabilly. Part I.
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